1. First of all, this isn’t technically Wiffle ® ™ © Ball. This is a bunch of people in a park with a soft (really soft) foam ball and some bats. We hit the ball. We talk a little trash. We may or may not keep score, or even count outs. It’s fun. If you’re going to go complain because we’re not using the skinny yellow bat and the regulation Wiffle ® ™ © Ball, maybe you should just go join a Wiffle ® ™ © Ball league, if you truly desire to suck all the fun out of it for yourself. But don’t suck the fun out of it for us too.
2. The Ball: Made of foam, fat as a grapefruit, and soft enough that when my kid pitches wild and hits the baby sitting on the picnic blanket in the head, she hardly even notices. Remember to squeeze it when you catch a pop fly or it will just bounce off your hands.
3. The Bat(s): Fat, skinny, foam, plastic, big or little, depending on your age.
4. The Bases: Yes, we will be running the bases. Yes, grandma, we WILL be running the bases. Preferably in the order 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and home; though some of the under-5 set have been known to go in reverse or random order (sometimes both at the same time). Whatever. 12 paces apart seems to make it a good race between the baserunners and the fielders.
5. The Players: Everyone plays: me, the wife, the kids, grandpa, grandma, random kids and/or grown-ups who happen to wander by. Even the baby, though she is the perpetual catcher/backstop/occasional ball thief. Players may join in at any time.
6. Balls and Strikes: Will not be counted. Throw the ball where they can hit it. Otherwise, the rest of us are just standing around. If the batter is under 4 their mom or dad might help with the hitting. Being hit by a pitch does not entitle you to first base, but it does entitle you to pretend to wince and/or writhe on the ground and/or dance about in simulated pain and agony. Charging the mound is not discouraged by these laws.
7. Ground Rules: If we’re under the pine tree, over the fence is a home run. Everything else is playable. If you hit it into the pine tree, you’re out, and everyone else is entitled to free hits on you for as long as it takes my eight-year-old to climb the tree and shake the ball out. Otherwise, if you hit it foul, it’s your job to go get it. If you hit a home run, somebody else has to get it.
8. Making an Out: Outs can be made in several ways. A caught fly ball is an out. Force outs and tag outs are made in the usual manner. If you don’t have a fielder nearby, just throw the ball at the runner, and if you hit him, he’s out. Tackling and/or holding a baserunner upside down by his or her ankles is also a valid way to make an out, provided the baserunner is under age 12 or is married to the fielder. Nothing in these laws should be construed to discourage tickling, either by the fielder or the runner. Similarly, blocking, dragging, holding hands, doing somersaults, leaping, diving, and crying as a ruse are all valid ways of making or avoiding an out.
9. Scoring a Run: Congratulations! Now get out and field.
10. Batting Order: If there are enough players to form teams, the teams can decide their own batting orders. (As a side note, teams MUST pick a name before coming up to bat. Traditionally the two youngest players compromise on the name; such a compromise usually consists of combining the favorite animal/color/natural disaster/mythical creature/disgusting bodily fluid of each one.) If we play work-up, then we bat youngest to oldest, with the standing exception that a newcomer gets to bat immediately.
11. Finishing the Game: A game is completed when one of the following conditions is met: A. It’s dark out. B. We’re out of soda (does not necessarily end the game but usually will at least provide the opportunity for a Seventh Inning Stretch). C. We have lost all the balls and/or broken all the bats. D. Dinner is ready.
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